Inner Child

Living day to day has gotten exhausting. Though my recent unhealthy sleeping habit could prove to be the problem.

Again, I'm at a wall. Like always, taking my dear time making even one small movement to getting somewhere.

I've been hating. Holding hatred and resentment for everyones actions surrounding me.
The pointlessness of all these interactions of people in my life, that do nothing but complicate things.

I over burden myself of how others will feel, and react to each and every word, action and way I express myself.

I want everyone to be happy, or at least never have it be my fault for doing or causing one to harbor negitive feelings.

But you know what, sometimes I feel like yelling, sreaming and cussing out everyone and anyone that hurts me and causes me frustration. So for once, I can feel relieved, and not always being the one looking out for everyone keeping so much of myself under so many layers.
Can't someone else take care of me, and let me freak out and just let go of my pain? Allow me to cry, get upset and act like a child. A child I haven't been for so long.

Someone that I can trust won't start beating me down inside and out because they don't want to hear it, don't know how to handle it and don't even bother to try.

I'm so tired of being the strong one. The one in silence just there to listen. I'm breaking, over so much time I have been kept queit. Pushed into the corner silently waiting for someone to ask, are you okay? Honestly and whole heartedly accepting all and any respone that could come from me.

I just want someone to listen, and want to listen. Purely trying to help and care for me. Why, why does if feel I don't have anyone for me that is capable or willing to doing this for me?

Sometimes it helps to feel sorry for yourself, heh. Enough so, that your tears and pain will start to spill. And there is nothing more uplifting than after pouring out your emotions that have been conceild for a period of time.

I can do this. Even one my own, I'm alive and well. And emotions can go ahead and shove it.

Reassurance

How am I supposed to say this. Explain my confusion and doubts.

I'm not going to put my everything into something if I am not %110 sure it's beneficiol from all angles and sides.

I don't have the experience to make this decision rashly, or in anyway have the additude of "just do it" and see what'll come from it.

I am not one to make mistakes freely and on a whim.
I do not play the games of feelings and desires.

Playing by a game board, that is done and made by those who want a one way path, for something to do when they're bored. Travels and experience only varrying to each individual by how many spaces one goes each round. Only for the game to end with them no farther than where they first began in their actual life.

I do not want to go by a flimbsy, wavering board of paper.
I need real, truthful and serious ways about a motion such as putting my everything, emotion and time wise into one person.

This isn't even something I feel a need for, so I have no motivation to put myself into a moment or situation of feelings for desires, bliss and unsenseable words and promises to another person of attraction.

I have goals, beliefs and opinions of how I will live and go about my life. And I haven't spared room for dragging someone along with me for the ride and whatever extra things I may get from it.

I find it unnecessary, or at least not an absolute necessity for my life to go about it's travels.

I have lived my life day by day perfectly alive and well without one to throw myself into arms of cuddles, selfsatifying words of encouragament and pointless actions of affection.

I had no need, and have no need for something I can, and may forever live without.

I do not say this despite you, or that I have no interest at all. Infact I am and do have an interest, that is why I am showing concern. Are you serious, will you promise me your all, to never just drop me like a day old emotion that only lingers for but a moment?

For my first time considering to even think about putting my all into one person.
You should be putting just as much thought into this as I am.
I guess that should be the answer. If I am sweating about all this on my own, without you braking a sweat of extra thought. You're simply not willing, or ready to put the time into what it takes for me to feel confident and comfortable in the idea of all that I am resting in your hands.

This is hard, and I actually had hope. But I will not be investing all my hopes, future and desires upon you. I will hold out for who knows, when you're actually able to take the time, effort and thought it takes to keep and please me (lol). But I do not see that happening, if one is not right for me now when we have first met, they will not be right for me later on. That is simply what I believe.

But this goes both ways, if you are not good for me, I am not good for you. It is in both of our interest to not get started before anything has even begun.

Begotten Memories

Do they ever leave you?

The feelings, thoughts of the ones who once hurt you? Who's done you wrong, abandon and cast your presence away as meaningless enough to never speak a word to you again with no notice of reason?

And to say things so hurtful about you to "friends" you thought were close; that'd stand up for you, never leave your side over anothers statement. Or at least come to you with the lies to comfirm true or false. No matter their connection to the one at the beginning of the telephone.

Why and how. That's all I've wanted to know. I've tried, sent the whys and how comes. But in return I got worse then nothing. Is it too late? Will I forget? Can I go on, unfazed with time? So far it has proven that I am still tender to the thoughts of those times, I get a mix of pain, hurt and regret.

You were my friends. My best friends. We laughed, hung out and had jokes.
Does this mean those times meant more to me then to you? Why?
Because I only had you guys? And you had others, so my friendship wasn't a real loss compaired to what you'd benefit from others? If so, I can move on. I wouldn't need a friendship with you who solely based importence of relationships upon benefits from others.
But I don't know if that's the actual reason!

Assuming that just isn't enough. It may make it easier to move on. But that isn't what I want. I want to be able to look back at all my encounters with people and know the beginning, middle and end. But I have yet to understand my ending with the joy I experienced within those younger more naive and ignorent days with you.

Am I pittiful? Does this mean I have to much time on my hands; to keep reminiscing about past days?

I was such a shy, weak and naive girl. And remembering the things I had with you, my "friends", and having my emotions still be so effected. Has me realize I still am; that spineless girl.

Butterflies of Romance

I've had short hair for a few reasons, and today in this blog I will explain those reasons.
One is because I don't want to be seen as a "potential candidate" for the opposite sex. It's unbelievable how lust driven men are these days, and all the young women that come close to the image of "attractive" they are burdened with the men that have no self respect.

At least for me that isn't something I find desirable. Most women feel flattered by having any man show interest, and I do admit it isn't bad every now and again. BUT it isn't always so simple, especially when it comes to the less intelligent males in this day and age. They just don't know when to back off, and understand that I am not interested in todays twisted goings in "relationships".
I do not want to "hook-up", "fool around" or anything of the sort! And nowadays that's all relationships consist of!

So as of now, I'd perfer to look like a boy til I'm within the age zone to get to know men with actual mature and respectable intentions.
I do not want to get into a relationship if it only has emotions, nerves and attraction on it's side. Is it so wrong to ask for more, though I do not know exactly more of what it is I'm looking for?

But there are still many problems, that no matter what rules I hold to myself; people never get their heads out of the idea that someone always has to like another, or are always looking for someone to like. Which brings me to the problem of being accused of "flirting".
Even if you act happy, laugh and be who you are around the opposite gender that can be perceived as "flirting". Oh and nothing gets me more upset than being accused of "flirting".
But back to the point. Even having one person interested in you is quite a predicament on its own. And I've had my fair share of dealings, when one person was/is after what to them seemed to be but an easy task of just one-two-three. Like/be attracted/interested in someone, get closer to that someone (for however an amount of time) and "go-out" with that someone. Though it may vary in detail, and I do not mean to say most all are "shallow" in there way about "relationships" neither does everyone do it by this method.

But I go about things in a way not many, well none others that I have seen do things in the "relationship" world.

Bluntly, I am not interested nor ready for what relationship I am looking for and want. And oh man I do have high standerds. That's just me, one person in the whole world, filled of billions of others. What does it matter to anyone what I am interested in, choose to believe or how I go about things?


Getting back on track once again here. Though I have high standerds (that will not be lowered or pushed aside) I am fine with it if I never end up finding what I have my faith and hopes set on. I'm living now, which I can and will continue living with or without a significant other involved in my life.

Yes. I will get lonely, I will have those times where I will be in the "mood" to fall and be in love and I will want, desire and wonder. But that can go for anything, not just the butterflies of romance.

Baka

I'm in one of those 'must type now!' states.
I feel like I'm doing somthing of importence, or just making use of my time while typing, reporting, or simply get out some thoughts I know are there waiting to get let out.

The energy/process it takes to think of something to type about. Such as; opinions, beliefs, and all of the above.

Reaching out trying to find something for yourself to feel you've found something that you're supposed to be doing, like a meaning of your life.
A purpose.

Days like these are never easy for me. The restlessness gets even more unbareable.
My impatience gets even harder to handle, and my frusteration begins to boil. I can't stay still and do nothing without feeling I'll blow, and begin scream out of so much frustration.

There's no where to go, nothing I can think of that will satisfy me, and keep me entertained.

All this is simply foolish, you'd think if I were really this bored anything and everything I could find would be accpetable to try. But that isn't it!
It's more like I am so unbareably bored that nothing is enough. I need more, I need something huge to take away this... thought of empty and pointlessness of my life, to be completely rid of.

I need something that'll use all I am capable of. Something that requires movement/effort/stamina, social and conversational skills and real thought. Something that'll build my experience in what I'll need in my life, not for pointless fun and entertainment that'll end up to nothing when it's all done and over.

I do not want to live a fool's life. Only enjoying the things that have no after meaning, and build up to no future nor useful experience for yourself. That is only filled with desire to want material things that only give pointless and hollow emotions/feelings.

I want more than what the world has to offer. No foolish and idiotic "boytoy" or any type of relationship will suffice.

Does no one want more than what you can find in this world?? Is everyone fine and comfortable with electronics, fashion, emotions, items of the world that you find no desire to build and find more for your life??! This is what I believe and I'm sorry and I do not mean it in a hate kind of way, but if you are happy and satified with these things that everyone says is "awesome" and "popular", all the things that you find such a desire in to make a habbit that begins to be something you depend on to feel happy, to feel your life is worth living...

You are a fool.

All the Whys

Wish I could say something, do something. Something with meaning, purpose, wisdom and courage. That encourages and strengthens someone to do something, to take action. To take a step, make a change. A revolution in their life, in my own.

Am I really just a little girl full of talk, yet nothing else outstanding. That this time I have will simply go on, unstopping. Whether the time that is spent is meaningful or pointless?

How am I supposed to make the most of everything I have and am. When time is limited, and so much is still unknown to me?

I don't know what it is I will be most prosperous in. What I am capable of.
Doesn't that take a lifetime of experiences to really come to grasp what exactly that is; for every individual life?

I want to know. I want more, from myself, from others. From life itself.
All that I have come to know so far isn't enough, I'm not satified. This is not all there is for me.

What is it I am missing? Why do I need so much more? Why is this emptiness so hard to fill, and why must it be that much harder to understand?

The Present

It has been a long day. Not only for myself; I'm sure.
I wish, I pray, and I continue to look on to better days. With no attention to spare for the past.

My memorie is bad. Or so I thought. It could be the fact that I so often have my mind elsewhere and do not pay any mind to what's going on around me. That I simply have nothing to recall but the life I live in my head.

I hope to be content, to enjoy and flourish in every day, hour and minute I am alive. And look the present straight in the face as I walk the path of day to day life.

So I use my time accordingly. And stop always trying to run ahead; ignorent to the time it takes to blossom and achieve whats needed. Like understanding, wisdom, expeirence and patience.

Life is time, time in which we part in multiple pieces to make manageable. When in one whole glump of time; it becomes over whelming. Unorganized and sloppy. Unknowing which to be your main focus first, what should be done in what order and how long each action will take. It builds up, and soon you begin to believe you won't be able to achieve all your necessary goals in life.

That is why you stick with focusing on what you have right in front of you. Lot less likely to get side tracked or stuck in an unnecessary situation.

I have no idea why I felt the need to state this whole explanation. But it's just how I roll; I must always make things long and drawn out. Common ground in my life.

Study Before You Teach

What you believe doesn't make you who you are. It's how you choose to live and the choices you make.

But what belief has to do with that; is supposebly what you believe has influence over the choices you make. Is that true for you? Are you stepping into action for what you say you believe? Or are you simply using a title, and living anyway YOU feel. Opposed to everything your statements and words lead on.

Don't bash your "belief". It may not be hurting you any, but for the people that truely put their all into what they say they stand for. It means more than you understand. If you're going to speak up and say you believe in something, you better be sure you have the knowledge to back it up.

Let's stand up, and really start learning what it means to believe, or stand by a certain cause we think is right. You get no where being wishy-washy.

Let's grow up, get wisdom, understanding and patience. Before we go opening our mouths to something we don't even know the half of.

It's common sense. Simple steps like; one two three.

You always study; before you teach/preach.

What Have We Become

Ever feel you could do amazing things. And the next day you promise yourself you'll take that step into doing and becoming what you've always wanted.
Being strong, outgoing and be the leader for once. To stand up, raise your hand and not care what anyone thinks. To just state your beliefs and opinions with courage.

Not always second guessing yourself 'til you realize you haven't said more than a couple words the whole day, or only spoke when you were spoken to.
And you always end up braking the promise; because you simply didn't feel like it, or just didn't have it in ya when it came to turning those words into action.

What happened to bravery, independence, and courage? We simply do what others tell us is right, and just follow and accept it as just the way things are. We never ask the questions that need to be brought up, or give the other options a chance to come out that need to be shown.
There is never just one way. Not one path to travel but thousands, and every path chosen should only depend on each and every individual.

In school, you never realize how much you are looked down on, disrespected, and pushed into one narrow way of seeing things because most everyone has dealt with it since a young age. And we depend on the adults to guide us, to teach us, show us wisdom we have not yet obtained. And well I guess you could say they're doing that, but to only one extent. Only one view, option and way of believing. And everything keeps getting all the more compressed into one little category with every generation.

What do we really know of freedom? Other than what we're told, shown, and have to compare it to. We've gotten so used to being spoon fed learning everything we know, believe, and even feel.

What have we ever researched for ourselves or thought that maybe there are other options. To every matter, choice and way of life. There is always multiple different stories, views, and opinions. And for far to long, we've only been getting one.

And we're just supposed to go along, not to oppose to a thing. And just believe who ever is feeding you this stuff; actually knows what they're talking about. And has tried it all for their self.

I bet what they know has just been passed down from one person to the next, not bothering to question or think to find a different way for themselves. Not ever trying out another option. Or even considering there are other options.

We've become so lazy, mindless, and have barely even realized how much life is and supposed to be.
Life is supposed to be a blessing, something to be thankful for with every passing day. Not something you feel is not worth it, and can be thrown away like an outdated electronic.

We've stopped caring to work to build and achieve something for ourselves and our lives. Like we aren't worth the effort.

Will we even realize what the truly important things are before it's lost. We'll we just wait for the day we can't do anything about it anymore.

Will we change and take that leap before it's too late. Will we make it in time? How much time do we have? How much time do you have?

To Go Backwards

Getting free time all to yourself in the morning always starts me thinking and has me feel that... This day should go somewhere, a change should occer. A feeling of another journey has begun; the feeling of adventure. But after the day has ended time and time again I've felt I must have got something wrong, took a wrong turn or I'm simply living the wrong life.

I don't think a day gone by just like the one before it; is normal, or even right.
I've never felt in my right place. I've been living the wrong way for to long. I need my life, the one I know I was meant to have... I need change, renewal and just a complete new start. While being guided this time, you know? Shown the right choices and paths I am and was supposed to take, to get to that point where I feel this is the life I was born to live.

But what I'd like to know at this point is, even with all these mistakes I've made, and all the wrong turns... Am I still able to get to my ultimit destination from where I stand today? Will a couple right turns overwrite the wrong ones? Is it possible to just turn around?

How much effort will it take? Am I truely serious enough to get where I want and need to be; no matter what effort and time it takes? When will I be tired and sick enough of this way of living 'til I finally make the right choice? Why must I be so weak as to take the easy way of life. Over the right way. The effort shouldn't matter. Because anything that's worth it; takes effort. You'd think we'd all know and mature by now to do what's right for ourselves and all around us.

How much longer 'til I can get myself to move...

Care To Say No

I do care, about everything. I'm strong enough to say I do.
In reality we all really care it's just that we are to scared to stand up and admit to it. If we were to admit this fact, it'd mean we'd have to do something about it. And when have we really did something at all, with everything we had, do we even know what our everything is?

We run away far to often, saying "I don't care". We shouldn't be afraid of what needs to be done, what your emotions are or will be.
It's better than standing in the gray never standing strong to anything.
We've all learned to run from things that take effort, time, and thought.
I hate not being straight forward and assuming things simply because we're afraid to ask the people in question face to face what it is we're not sure of.

I'm sick of so many things and this is only one. There are tons of things we as humans need to work on, but what I see too often, is people not even bothering to notice or care to consider these simply fix flaws that could make a big difference if we just, think, consider, and stand up to what is actually right.
No matter the effort and time it takes.

Why is it so hard to do what's right? It makes me sick that I myself run away from the right things to do, only becuase I didn't feel like it, or because since my "friends" aren't doing I shouldn't have to. It's STUPID.

When I do what's wrong, the regret and ill emotions towards myself are ten times worse than what I'd ever effort and time it would've taken to of just done what was right!

So right now I am fessing up to my stupidity, no more denying and ignoring my wrongs. It can be all too easy to avoid your wrongs when everyone you know is doing the ecact same things. Makes you feel less guilty huh? But just because something's accepted, doesn't make it right.

I'm done being blinded by my foolish pride. I'm going to do my best to speak, act and accomplish what is right. Lord, please give me the strength. What is impossible for men is possible with the Lord our God.

Breaking All Molds

I hope we actually know what it is that we live for, live by and who we are.
Is what we believe and choose, decided because we have actually thought for ourselve if this is the direction we want take? Or have we simply accepted others beliefs and opinions as our own without second a thought?
Have most of us even had a second thought as to how we live out our lives? With every choice that we make? Without the influence of others in mind and the considering what is "normal"?
We shouldn't have to strain ourselves and direct who we are, what we do and what choices we make based off of what others think. Or how they might think of you if they see you doing what you truly want to do and who you are. Break the mold and live without a care for how others might judge you.

Your life has nothing to do with what life is in general. We are not meant to live the same. I want my own way of life, unattached to others rules and "that's just the way it goes". I want and need to brake away from the worlds way, from my own views, beliefs as to what is what, and part with my own inclosed world. My eyes need to be opened to something bigger than myself than everything I am surrounded by. There is more than 'this' and us. I strive to find and live for that. For something bigger than myself. I want life, my own life. As a free; independent individual. Unaffected by others words, opinions and objection. How can one do anything for themselves if they aren't confident enough to stand up for themselves and their choices. Your made who you are by the choices you made and will make, if you keep yourself from doing anything, just because of others objection to who you are and choose to be. Than you will never have the life that you were and are meant to live.

Living

I love having this life that I was given.
I love experiencing new things, feelings, situations, changes and adventures.
Becoming exhausted and overwhelmed with all there is to do can sometimes be tough to bear. But I can't stop, I mustn't slow down.

Life is such a blessing. A blessing to know life, to have family and friends. To experience love, feeling and recieving. 
I have a voice that can speak and rejoice, to express myself and make an impact on this very world I was born into. I have, I simply have things. And that is a blessing in itself.
I have people that care for me, that love me. I am loved, words aren't enough to express all that I feel just for knowing that fact.

I want others to feel satisfied, filled, overflowed with love in their lives. I want it to be in peoples words, actions, thoughts and emotions. It should be in my words, actions, thoughts and emotions. Oh Lord Jesus please give me the strength, maturity, wisdom, patients, and understanding to accomplish that.

I want to walk the right path, to live in the light of you. To be in the presence of your righteousness and glory. Teach me, guide me into becoming like you. To be kind, merciful, loving, understanding, truthful, giving, forgiving, wise, patient, courageous, strong, and all together perfect and life itself.
I just want to feel this blessed with every second I live and with every single breath I take. Hallelujah and Amen.

Regret

"You will come to regret the things you don't say; over the things you do."

I'm finding this to be very true these days. I've been thinking a lot about not having one to talk to, or mainly that I just do not talk or open up. I could just blame it on the fact of bad experiences of when I did. But that isn't the problem and I know it. I know I am stronge enough to stand up and try again, and to make a change.
But no matter how much I think, it's not going to magically turn into action on its own. I'm just digging my own grave. The more you think and hesitate on a simple thing; the harder it's going to be to actually get to doing what needs to be done. So simplfied, no worrying (aka thinking to much).

I don't have any idea why I care so much; over things that are so easily taken care of. And don't need a second thought thrown that way. I never thought I'd say this, but it can be a bad thing to think to much, and talk to little. (Well to talk too little about the importent things.)

I hate judgment, assumtions, lies, pettiness, foolishness, vainity and insecurity. There is most likely more that aren't at the top of my head. But you get the point.
And I am no exeption, you could say I punish myself when I consist of one of those characteristics. Which are mainly insecurity, foolishness, pettiness, and of course unjustified judgment.

Everything I write (type) about is always, always about me, my, and I. I hate it! I want something in my life bigger than myself, I don't want my mind to consist of only me me me! I want something to revolve around, and not the other way around. I get so corrupt when the base of my decisions and actions only rely on my foolish and ignorent judgment alone!

I admit and confess that I am NOT perfect nor can I do everything on my own (well if I want them done right!). So will everyone stop looking at me as if I should know and be perfect! I DON'T know better! AND I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! I am a child, that is all I am. And you should all know you are as well. Stop pressuring yourself and others! I'm tired, we're all tired. So just admit it already. You, we can't do it alone.

We're all such fools, every single one of us. And one fool can't save another fool. I will not rely on one other person, I'm not good enough to be leaned on nor is anyone enough to handle me leaning on them. We can't fill all we actually need with just another person. We can't read each others minds, or feel each others feelings! And sometimes we can't even begin to describe or voice our feelings, or even know what it is we need. So how would anyone believe they can do and be able to do everything for a person, when we can't even begin to get ourselves.

How do you or anyone expect to be able to fill ones every need, and be their everything. If so, it only seems to me you just want to be idolised as a god in that persons eyes and life. To be their everything, in thoughts and actions. It's selfishness, and foolish no matter how you try and cover it up with words like "love". It's really just each of the other is using each other in search of filling their foid and loneliness. And it seems that everyone is always searching for something, but always in the wrong places. How long can we keep on running til we actually turn to the truth we've know has always been laying right in front of us. Just waiting to take you home. And hold you, and overfill your life with even more of what you've been searching for.

I will always try and make my point clear, and I will continue to stand by it for the rest of my life, though I may not know everything, or even be a good "Chirstian", not in the least. But Jesus is life, love, and simply everything. I don't get it entirely, but I hope too. My life only ever seemed full and happy when I was trying for God. I may be just one very imperfect young girl, that doesn't get much at all and makes things ten times confusing than they have to be. But I know Jesus is Lord of my life, and He; Loves me. And nothing could make me more happy. I just wish I was better.

Break Away

Nothing. Everything to me for so long, has felt like nothing.

I want to walk with my head held high, confident in who I am. I've never felt confortable in my own skin, and I want to so bad. I can only be myself when I am comfortable, and confident in just being alive.

It's utterly pathetic that I act like a shy timid worm. I am not a worm, I'm me and that's million times more then just that. But no matter how outgoing I try to be, I always beat myself up afterwards for something stupid I may have said, or a look I may have gotten. And I never end up trying to hard to be myself again, I get scared so easily and giveup even easier.

If only I could show people my true self, my strength, my courage, and my charm.
Sounds a bit selfcentered, but everyone has so much more to themselves than they show. And I just wish that someday all of us can accept all that we are and see how amazing certain parts and sides of us are, and admit that each of us all as individual are gosh darn awesome!
To the point, where no look or judgment from anyone can make us back down and hide, but to continue to be ourselves for the rest of our lives.

Some may not have this problem, but I know I do. And I don't want it to be for any longer. Amen.

Jesus

I feel sick. Mentally sick. Completely and utterly disgusting.

I wish I was honest with myself, than I would know what to do, what the problem is.
I can't help myself if I don't know what the problem is to begin with.

I feel lost, stupid, and useless. I hate saying these things, because I know they're not true, but is it wrong to feel weak. To not be able to stand on your own, and admit that.
I always felt and feel that I shouldn't show these type of things to others, I want to be comforted, I really do. I just want to fall down and cry my eyes out, I want to scream all this unexplainitory feelings and helplessness away.
But I'm scared, I'm just scared, I don't want to feel I need to explain all my hurt and confusion to someone for them to just hold me and show that they truely and honestly care and love me...

I want something that I myself won't let me have. I want to cry. I want to be accepted. I want to be loved. I want to feel it's ok to be this selfish, that I can ask for ever how much I want, and that someone will understand where I am coming from, and hold me all the more, I want to actually be able to see and feel their love. I want something perfect, without me myself being perfect. I want to be a kid, and not care for all these things for myself and just have someone be there and do them for me. I don't want to live on my own, I want to live with someone with me with ever single step I take, situation I encounter, and every thought I have.
I don't want the responsibitily of choosing what is the right thing I should do, say, and act like.

I just want to be held, and carried through this terrible and stressfilled dream called life. I can't take it, no matter how long I am able to fool myself and make believe I am strong enough to live with just me, myself, and I. I am only one person, one voice, and one mind. I can't possibly do anything right just by my own understanding.
Not anyone is good enough, I need perfection, I need life itself. I need love, kindness, mercy, righteuosness, and wisdom to the fullest and utmost exstent and more.

Oh Jesus... I need you so much. Please love me, save me, and give me life. Make me something. I am so sorry...
Please, hold me.