Regret

"You will come to regret the things you don't say; over the things you do."

I'm finding this to be very true these days. I've been thinking a lot about not having one to talk to, or mainly that I just do not talk or open up. I could just blame it on the fact of bad experiences of when I did. But that isn't the problem and I know it. I know I am stronge enough to stand up and try again, and to make a change.
But no matter how much I think, it's not going to magically turn into action on its own. I'm just digging my own grave. The more you think and hesitate on a simple thing; the harder it's going to be to actually get to doing what needs to be done. So simplfied, no worrying (aka thinking to much).

I don't have any idea why I care so much; over things that are so easily taken care of. And don't need a second thought thrown that way. I never thought I'd say this, but it can be a bad thing to think to much, and talk to little. (Well to talk too little about the importent things.)

I hate judgment, assumtions, lies, pettiness, foolishness, vainity and insecurity. There is most likely more that aren't at the top of my head. But you get the point.
And I am no exeption, you could say I punish myself when I consist of one of those characteristics. Which are mainly insecurity, foolishness, pettiness, and of course unjustified judgment.

Everything I write (type) about is always, always about me, my, and I. I hate it! I want something in my life bigger than myself, I don't want my mind to consist of only me me me! I want something to revolve around, and not the other way around. I get so corrupt when the base of my decisions and actions only rely on my foolish and ignorent judgment alone!

I admit and confess that I am NOT perfect nor can I do everything on my own (well if I want them done right!). So will everyone stop looking at me as if I should know and be perfect! I DON'T know better! AND I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! I am a child, that is all I am. And you should all know you are as well. Stop pressuring yourself and others! I'm tired, we're all tired. So just admit it already. You, we can't do it alone.

We're all such fools, every single one of us. And one fool can't save another fool. I will not rely on one other person, I'm not good enough to be leaned on nor is anyone enough to handle me leaning on them. We can't fill all we actually need with just another person. We can't read each others minds, or feel each others feelings! And sometimes we can't even begin to describe or voice our feelings, or even know what it is we need. So how would anyone believe they can do and be able to do everything for a person, when we can't even begin to get ourselves.

How do you or anyone expect to be able to fill ones every need, and be their everything. If so, it only seems to me you just want to be idolised as a god in that persons eyes and life. To be their everything, in thoughts and actions. It's selfishness, and foolish no matter how you try and cover it up with words like "love". It's really just each of the other is using each other in search of filling their foid and loneliness. And it seems that everyone is always searching for something, but always in the wrong places. How long can we keep on running til we actually turn to the truth we've know has always been laying right in front of us. Just waiting to take you home. And hold you, and overfill your life with even more of what you've been searching for.

I will always try and make my point clear, and I will continue to stand by it for the rest of my life, though I may not know everything, or even be a good "Chirstian", not in the least. But Jesus is life, love, and simply everything. I don't get it entirely, but I hope too. My life only ever seemed full and happy when I was trying for God. I may be just one very imperfect young girl, that doesn't get much at all and makes things ten times confusing than they have to be. But I know Jesus is Lord of my life, and He; Loves me. And nothing could make me more happy. I just wish I was better.