Begotten Memories

Do they ever leave you?

The feelings, thoughts of the ones who once hurt you? Who's done you wrong, abandon and cast your presence away as meaningless enough to never speak a word to you again with no notice of reason?

And to say things so hurtful about you to "friends" you thought were close; that'd stand up for you, never leave your side over anothers statement. Or at least come to you with the lies to comfirm true or false. No matter their connection to the one at the beginning of the telephone.

Why and how. That's all I've wanted to know. I've tried, sent the whys and how comes. But in return I got worse then nothing. Is it too late? Will I forget? Can I go on, unfazed with time? So far it has proven that I am still tender to the thoughts of those times, I get a mix of pain, hurt and regret.

You were my friends. My best friends. We laughed, hung out and had jokes.
Does this mean those times meant more to me then to you? Why?
Because I only had you guys? And you had others, so my friendship wasn't a real loss compaired to what you'd benefit from others? If so, I can move on. I wouldn't need a friendship with you who solely based importence of relationships upon benefits from others.
But I don't know if that's the actual reason!

Assuming that just isn't enough. It may make it easier to move on. But that isn't what I want. I want to be able to look back at all my encounters with people and know the beginning, middle and end. But I have yet to understand my ending with the joy I experienced within those younger more naive and ignorent days with you.

Am I pittiful? Does this mean I have to much time on my hands; to keep reminiscing about past days?

I was such a shy, weak and naive girl. And remembering the things I had with you, my "friends", and having my emotions still be so effected. Has me realize I still am; that spineless girl.