Jesus

I feel sick. Mentally sick. Completely and utterly disgusting.

I wish I was honest with myself, than I would know what to do, what the problem is.
I can't help myself if I don't know what the problem is to begin with.

I feel lost, stupid, and useless. I hate saying these things, because I know they're not true, but is it wrong to feel weak. To not be able to stand on your own, and admit that.
I always felt and feel that I shouldn't show these type of things to others, I want to be comforted, I really do. I just want to fall down and cry my eyes out, I want to scream all this unexplainitory feelings and helplessness away.
But I'm scared, I'm just scared, I don't want to feel I need to explain all my hurt and confusion to someone for them to just hold me and show that they truely and honestly care and love me...

I want something that I myself won't let me have. I want to cry. I want to be accepted. I want to be loved. I want to feel it's ok to be this selfish, that I can ask for ever how much I want, and that someone will understand where I am coming from, and hold me all the more, I want to actually be able to see and feel their love. I want something perfect, without me myself being perfect. I want to be a kid, and not care for all these things for myself and just have someone be there and do them for me. I don't want to live on my own, I want to live with someone with me with ever single step I take, situation I encounter, and every thought I have.
I don't want the responsibitily of choosing what is the right thing I should do, say, and act like.

I just want to be held, and carried through this terrible and stressfilled dream called life. I can't take it, no matter how long I am able to fool myself and make believe I am strong enough to live with just me, myself, and I. I am only one person, one voice, and one mind. I can't possibly do anything right just by my own understanding.
Not anyone is good enough, I need perfection, I need life itself. I need love, kindness, mercy, righteuosness, and wisdom to the fullest and utmost exstent and more.

Oh Jesus... I need you so much. Please love me, save me, and give me life. Make me something. I am so sorry...
Please, hold me.