New Years

I've been thinking about the end of this year and the beginning of the new one that's soon to come.
And I've always liked the idea of having something in mind to accomplish.
So I've thought I'd get a list going, I've got two things in mind to do so far. And I'm fine if I can't think of anything more, I'm doubting I'd be able to uphold the only two I have planned right now. Isn't it something like within the first couple weeks of the new year %80 or more people have already failed in keeping up with whatever their New Years Revolution ideas were. Pretty sad, but most likely very true. I don't think I've actually stuck to one thing through out my whole life so far. But it won't do any good to give up trying.

So my Resolution ideas were; crap I forgot.... Oh yes! Okay, it was to write something either on here or in a note book once (or more) everyday that passes for the entire year, about most anything, emotions, events, etc. I'd probably make a seprate blog for that, most likely called "Day to Day" or something cheesey like that. And secondly was to start vlogging (posting videos) on YouTube, I've been wanting to do it for awhile now. I have a good camera, editer, an account, and blah blah blah, all I need is motivation.

So I'm prayin' these ideas will take flight and I'll feel a little better about myself being so unmotivated to do anything constructive.

Flowers

If I were a flower. I'd want to be something exotic in looks, something someone admires, respects, and desires. But I want to be untouchable, unable to be grasped. I want to be toxic, to keep all away but others still grasping to stay as close as possible to my sight and presence. Colors don't matter, neither does smell. I just want to be noticed; yet never to be obtained by another.

Yeahhh

I'm afraid to just be myself, with all the mistakes and imperfection. I feel like people won't understand and will judge me without acknowledging I'm just human like themselves, I'm not perfect. I'm afriad of being hurt.
So I hide myself away behind either being silent or saying things of little importence. I build the wall with my own hands yet I hate it with everything I am.
I wish people would listen with unjudging ears, and not be so quick to spout their opinions. Just listen, that's all. Ask me things and hear me out, I think and use my brain not everything I have to say is junk as it's normally treated. I'm not always right, but before you bash me down with your correction at least see where I am coming from.

Though I hold part of the blame in why I feel closed off. I have not been giving much effort in trying to brake my walls down, or speaking up. I'm just afraid, that even if I give it my everything, to be understood and acknowledged. That I'll be ignored, thrown out, and judged.
I pray I over come this, or someone will come along that will break my walls and be understanding and wise that I've been needing to see in someone.

Poem? Song?... Who Knows.

And I know what'll happen next, I have already seen it happen three times. You'll tell me you'll stick with me, that we'll always be 'best buds'. But it's ok, there is only so much you can do. It's not what your used to, to try so much harder just to keep connection, no matter how long we make it last, there's always an end, and it always comes to fast. But that's ok, we'll live on. You'll make new friends, and your mind will be filled with all that comes along. And I'll still remember all the times each one of you had made me smile. It may seem like pointless hurt I put myself through at times, but I'm positive my memories and experiences are worth it in the long run. I don't know how long I'll remember how you all looked, everything you've said, or what made you laugh. But know that I'll miss this, these days that I look on to a tomorrow knowing that I'll be acknowledged by so many different faces and smiles. I'll long for it in my moments alone stuck inside my head, trap to see my better days. But you know what, it's life. We live on, we fight on, and soon we just forget.

Take My Shoes?

I wish I could have someone live my life just for a day, see the way I see things; through my eyes. And I the same for multiple people.
Simply imagining being in someone else's shoes never comes close to completely justifying the whole concept of who that someone is.

I don't know why I am alway so fixaided on understanding people, the whys, hows, and the misuderstood. Just things outside myself in how they work and why they work the way they do is so, intriging.

It's a normal human desire to be understood, it makes us feel less alone, more importent, and needed. These are emotions we all base a lot of our actions off of, even if we don't realize it.

If you think thuroughly enough you'll always find little things we do that we think aren't a big deal can always lead back to one of these emotions: Fear, loneliness, selfishness, and lust. I most likely didn't name them all, but those are some of the main ones.

I don't really know what brought on this subject. I just wanted to focus my mind on something other than silly, foolish, and narrow minded things. I like to keep my view big with my mind open and clear. And daily life doesn't very well help in seeing and focusing on something other than only what's going on in my life, and all the things and people surrounding it.

I really hope someday soon in my life I'll be doing something far greater than myself and the simplicitys of life. Something life saving and changing for others and myself. I want to know what it truely means to be humble and selfless. That isn't something easily achived and grasped. It takes wisdom and knowledge, and that is something I believe we all should strive for, to become better people all together. Not just for ourselves, or others. Something/someone even bigger than that.

Nothing.... Yet Something

The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.

I may not feel amazingly excited about how my life is now, and I know tons of things that I think would make things better for me, things I want now, and can't wait for. But you know, I'd rather wait a long time for the right thing(s), than to rush it all and have it become the wrong thing. ;) So I'll be content with what I've got, and learn to work with what I have. For when the time comes when everything starts to roll in my life, I'll be ready to experience and enjoy it, to its utmost extent.



I may not be very wise nor knowledgably about a lot of things. But it never hurts to just find time to be alone and think, leaving behind all the opinions of others that always seem to mix with our opinions, outlook, and thinking process. To simply find time to find ourselves, our individuality, alone from influence of our surroundings, all the noise, stress, situations, and confusion of our daily lives that hinder and break us. To find silence, and be calm, to where we really see things, through a cleared mind. With being level headed, open minded, and just find the bigger picture, bigger than just our lives alone, along with all the things and people that come with it.



And if we (me particularly) didn’t find time to simply throw all these weights and troubles off our shoulders to just take a breather from all the things we go through and deal with in our lives, how in the world do you expect to stay sane and upright?! Well we all choose our own way of dealing. Only ourselves alone call the shots concerning our own lives, and the paths we take. We always have a choice in every matter, and situation of our life. But I guess, what it always comes down to is... what way/path and choices are you going to choose? And what is your opinion of what's "good" and "bad"?

My Amazing School Life

The internet isn’t being nice, so I’ll just type on here to pass time.

So today is Wednesday November 10th year 2010…
Today in school was, pretty boring.
In my Drafting class I’ve been working hard to catch up to all the drawings we’ve been doing, so far I’m only one and a half behind… Ha-ha. I got behind by just sleeping in class three days straight and just ignoring the projects Mr. Craig was given us during those days. I now know not to do that again, and to just get the stupid drawings done.
Ummm, and after Drafting I go to lunch. That wasn’t awesome either. I usually like to just be alone in the library and read the bible, highlighting verses and writing ideas and so on in a note book. Buutttt someone had to tag along today and throw that peaceful me time moment out the window. It isn’t like I dislike the person that joined me, its just that he’s an atheist and I didn’t want to get into a big conversation of “why do you believe in God??” and right now I don’t know how to explain it very well! Or at least I am not at a good time right now to be answering and talking about it, I’ve been trying to read the bible so I can be ready to answer those questions. So right now is my study time, and I can’t take the interference right now.
Anyhow after Lunch, I went to Auto. And well, there isn’t ever anything awesome that happens. I mean sure I guess you learn a bit about cars… I guess, but really I don’t think I’ve gotten much of anything since I’ve been in that class --_-- I wish I have but, I have been utterly and completely lost. So the just of it goes like “ok, what should we do”, “wait, what are we doing??”, “Um, how did you do that”, “what is that thingy called??”, and “and what exactly does it do and what is it for…?”. That sums it up perfectly.
Ha-ha.
Alright, and on to my last class: Ceramics, it’s pretty cool, I think it’s the most enjoyable class. You make stuff, with the option of getting messy. And today I worked on the wheel, and I tried to make a plate. I slightly succeeded, but I won’t be to sure ‘til it dries. Also I did get clay on my only pair of skinny jeans, pretty epic. Lol.
And so, that sums up my day at school today. Yes, I am that popular. ;D

Start Your Engines

You never know how messed up everything is, until you're in the middle of it, and impacted by all the people that are going through it.
Now I was beginning to think it was pointless to be in school, and I really had no good reason to be there. But just recently, I started to get a lot closer to people. And have been being opened up to, and I think I can do something. I know I can do something, because I have the answer. And til now have been to lazy and unmotivated to do anything anything with it because I didn't see any real need, or push. But now I'm surround by people that are suffering everday, that just want to live, be happy, to stop hurting, and find something worth living for.
And I wouldn't be able to call myself a human being if I continued on without being moved in the slightest by all these people, these kids that are going through far to much than what they can handle.
I want to do something, I need to get up and do SOMETHING. I've been begging for something to get me going, something that I felt I want to do, and now I have it. And I should wake up already and realize I'm not always going to FEEL like doing anything, if it's right or not. And just do it, plan it, play it out, and see the affect to the first thing you ever stood through to the end already!
So no matter what, I am starting my life, and get this party started. It's life, my life.
So it's time for me to get my Bible, note books, cds, and everything I can grasp. And start doing something right! And not just for myself, and what I want, but to actually live bigger. Bigger than myself. And there isn't anything more I could ever ask for.
I am so ready for this.

Buwha

So.
It had occered to me why I've been feeling as if my writing have become shriveled and dull. It may very well concern on my outlook, in how I was sharing my views and train of thought.

Looking back, studying my prior "blogs" I feel as though I'm being too narrow minded to seeing and acknowledging, not everyone thinks like myself.
So in return, how is anyone but myself supposed to understand what I'm trying to get across?

Conclusion; begin seeing my own writing through others point of view.
That should help improve this dilemma.
Getting off track here, I'm going to go on about something completely unrelated to the subject above.

I'll start with this; the last week or so I've been surrounded by a much larger number of people then what I am used to. Why I feel the need to write about this? Because it's causing me to feel quite suffocated, and of course writing is a great outlet to releasing frustration. 

Main reason I am finding hard to coupe with all these extra bodies hanging around is because of all the problems and faults that come along with them. Now I'm not going naming all the problems (as well as my own).

Though I will say that my overall stress has mainly come from the whole deal of the stupid, shallow, fake, immature, and simply mindlessness of feelings people have toward each other. It's so twisted, peoples minds are twisted.

I know talking about it is only causing more stress and aggravation. But at the moment this is the only method I know to coupe. Sorting out my thoughts and coming to a conclusion by the end of my rants.

What do you turn to when the solution to a problem doesn't remain within your own mind? Most go to trusted friends or family for advise. But all in all, eveyone's just as imperfect and lost in life as you. So there is no absolute that we will find that solution from another, no matter the amount of respect we have for that person.

Now since I know and accept that I am not perfect, know I can not do it on my own, that I do not have the answers, and that no one else is better off. I know the right choice when I see it, and I'm not gonna let pride, doubt, or anything else get in the way of doin' it the right way.
I will come to the Lord with my burdens, always.
Bwuha, I am pooped. I am much too tired to be typing this stuff. You know I always got stuff to say even when there isn't a need to say it, but even humans have their limits and I'm not even close to reachin' mine.

Enough, for now I'm calling it quits. So peace, and try not to get you panties too tied up over such little ordeals in life. ;)

Within the Soul

Tired of looking at screens, phones, walls through these lifeless and weary eyes.
It's 'bout time I stand up, and fight, for what life once was.
There's only confusion, pointlessness for the time being wasted in what we call "fun"...
I pray it has only begun, for a riot, for  change, for all people to know what life is again.
To be filled, empowered by the truth light and guide.
The word, its answers, sayings, and life.
The voice we all have, to use and understand.
The fire, greatness that lives in our renewed times.
That passion, excitement, and motivation to wake every passing day, hour, and second.
Hearing, seeing, and feeling.
What we have been asking, waiting, begging, and crying for.
Life, what is life?
We will only know ‘til the day that we are shown it.
'Til the day we truly seek it.
There will be no doubts, no second thoughts in believing.
Because there is no lie in truth, truth is power, and that power will shock us all to tears.
We will all lift up our hands, voices, and finally.
Open our eyes.
Amen.

Lost My Touch

I'm having a writers block… (if that's what it's called).

So many times I've tried to write something, it always starts out fine but than I lose focus and what it was really about in the first place, like "what is the point here??" They never make perfect sense, even for me!
It's all so stressful; I really need to get my head straight. I haven't been able to cool down for awhile; I don't know what to do. I'm going to blame this stupid computer screen; it's making me unable to focus or something... Yeah I'll blame the computer.

Well aside from all the jokes, I don't have much of an answer to my dilemma. So for a heads up I won't be writing anything real until I get out of this idiotic block. So for now, I'll be sippin' tea, chill-ax-in' reading a good book. I'll try to get back in action soon.

Bad Days

For the last couple days I haven't been having the best of times. Mainly for the reason of all the mess and junk I've been having to deal and work through to obtain something I have a longing for.

At this time in my life there are only a few things I really really want. Main thing is; to have time alone, to recollect myself, my thoughts and find that state of peace. Second is being able to get out and go to find that solitude.

Everything else I want revolves around that. Which are things like, having a license, maybe a phone, and having my own room. Today I'm greatly frustrated and I feel as though everone's going out of their way to make it so I can't have time to myself!
Okay, let's take a deep breath. I'll try not get too narror minded here. There are bigger and more important things out there than my little stresses in daily life.

I know out of all the problems in the world and in peoples lives; mine are not even close to being the largest. So there is no excuse for me to waste my day being bitter and depressed.
Though sometimes I know it's tough to see that, and all you want to do is feel free to be mad, sad, pissed and have a tantrum to wallow in self pity. Don't deny it, we've all had our "it's all about me" days.

We all know it's terribly annoying and fist clenching when someone around us has their their head up their ass, only looking at how they feel and what they want. With absolutely no consideration for others around them.
That's what we're like when we choose to focus on our wants, our needs and what's not working out for us. It blinds us to what's truly important and causes us to not only get a pissy attitude but impacts our surroundings and others in a negitive way.
The only one that can stop yourself from thinking and acting a certain way is you, and yes, you can do what's right. Don't start lying and making that excuse for yourself that you can't do this and you can't do that. If it involves you, yes you can! You have a free will and you are the only that can control what you do and how you choose to act like with it.

Today, I choose not to be an ass.

What I'm Doing Here

I feel the need to state; this is where I freely express myself, which I do not prefer any of these three things. One: being judged. Two: Belittled. And Three: Commented on what to do, what I should say or how I should write.

This is my blog; I did not make it to seem helpless, asking people for advice. Nor did I make it to be ridiculed for anything or everything. I write how I write.
So please if you find yourself getting irritated by how I write and sentence; by all means you do not have to continue reading. And by all means do not feel obligated to inform me of your disapproval.

Believe me I am in no way intending to take away your right to be in control of your own actions and decisions. Just the same as you nor anyone else has the right to tell me how I choose to express myself through this blog, or anything I write/speak.

This is simply to quench my thirst I have to write, and that's that. Of course I'd love to attract those like-minded to myself and bring interesting topics and opinions for others to ponder.
Knowing I'm offering something beneficial to others always gives me a feeling of accomplishment and self-worth.

Challenges to Overcome

You know, I've been reading all my post and a thought came to me. They all have something similar, like me talking about the same things, a recurring subject. I thought there's no helping it, me being the same person writing every time; it's probably like a writing style or something.
Yet again... it could very well be a recurring subject because that I'm still dealing with it in my life, it is a hill I have yet to conquer.

There are only so many ways I can rewrite the same thing, I'd like to have a new fresh subject every time, but I guess I have to accomplish, and overcome the things which I'm dealing with now, to come up with something different. You're only able to write about what's going on in your mind.

It makes sense, but I wish it were easier.
No matter how big or small a problem, it'll always takes time and effort to over come it and move on leaving it behind.

It's like trying to deal with a person you absolutely cannot stand, If you really want to get ride of them and out of your life completely. You must first learn and find the best method of dealing with them. It's similar to a battle, proceeding to root up the whole connection of how they latched on you to begin with. It takes longer than we'd all like, but all in all you get it done if you're determinded to.
I know once or twice we've all had to deal with someone like that, and if not count yourself lucky.

I've always been a fighter, when it really comes down to it. My perferred fights are those fought head on. Just remember every battle we choose to take on, and push ourselves to see through. The stronger we become. Let's not forget the old and very true saying; "choose your battles wisely", not all battles are worth fighting.
I won't give up, you heard me say it once, and I'll say it again. I will fight for what I want, and I won't give up 'til I get it. And what I want is to go forward in my writing, so that is what I'll do. Amen!

Misunderstood

Not being able to express yourself to others hurts in more ways than one. Knowing, that someone close to you (or that should be) is looking at you through their eyes which see you in one certain way, or label you to who they believe you are to some extent. Simply, how they see you as a person. And in no way possible can that be exactly right. Which cause misunderstandings, and others simply assuming what your going to do, what you think. And it never leads to good feelings knowing you are being made out to be who you aren’t, even if it was a little assumption or misjudgment. It still hurts.

But, we all do it. Because every human tries to understand people in their own way, and sadly it’s not usually asking that certain person directly of what they think, what they like or at all of whom they are. So we usually rely on what we can observe, and pick up from what we see, and what we've heard. And that, I’ve got to say is not a good habit, because for one: people are so much more than from what you can grasp on what’s on the outside, or even what you can find out by simply watching, or those little meaningless questions that are thrown out there in those everyday shallow conversations. It takes effort to know, actually come to know someone. There is only so much you can get by observing and it isn't enough.

So what I’m saying, is don’t depend so much on what you can find out by observing alone, because there is still so much more than what is on the surface.
But in no way is observing bad, it is a very wise thing to come and be good at, but I’m saying is don’t rely on it to find out all the things in which a person is about, you will never end up making close and real relationships with anyone. You have to go directly to that person, say “Hi” and ask questions. You can’t expect people to just lay out their entire being without even being asked, make some real effort if you actually want the right to judge anyone.

All In All.

It's funny how the littlest parts in me, my personality are the ones I can't stand the most, and they always prove to be the hardest things to kick.

I've changed a lot, but I guess there are some things that will always stick to you like glue (sometimes worse than just glue).

I don't want to become someone entirely different, that's not what I aim for. I try to change to become better, to get rid of the things in me that hold me back from being/doing the things I want to accomplish.
And there are plenty of things in which we make apart of ourselves that we hold on to, like emotions, thoughts, and beliefs that effect how we think, the choices we make, and how we act that we simply do not need, and only effect us and lead us to doing what's wrong, and blur our vision to seeing what is actually right, and what is the truth and what's the lie.

And I. I choose to live higher than myself, I want what's right, I want truth, not pleasure, items, or empty happiness that only last for a certain amount of time. I want happiness that will last on its own, without me having to try and make it, but know it'll just come and last on its own.

Change can be good, and in the same way it can be bad. It all depends on who and what you are changing for, and what methods you're taking to change.

Hate to Hate

I hate to hate, to even admit I "hate" something, someone, something. But sometimes it is so hard not to say the words "I hate...".
I truely, and untterly dislike... something, I can't put my figure on what exactly it is, but something, something is gnaing at me. Just burning me through the inside.

There are just so, so many things that are messed up, yet, we all think we know what that is, and choose to decide it is simply something you need to get used to.
For one, I doubt any of us know anything, of how bad everything really is, the man behind the curten. We take way to many things for granted.

We think to little, and think to much. It all depends on what you are thinking about, one may be pointless, another meaningful. But what will lead us in the right direction? Who, if no one knows?
All I have to say is think, think deep. Not what's on the surfus. How can you know what's the surface, and what exactly is it that is hidden? That's something for us all to think about.

I mess up, a lot. But I won't let that stop me from what I want, nor is any person able to either.
I wish way, way to much. It's about time I pray, and make it come true.

My Testimony

On May 30th I gave my testimony in Sunday service, in front of many people. I had it written down, but I didn't memorize it, so I missed a few points I was meaning to make.

All in all... it was ok, and I pray that the Lord was and is able to use it in some way. Everyone said they really liked it. but to me... it was far from being finished, I feel it wasn't yet qualified to be called a 'testimony'.
Because I have yet to finish or even come close in coming to live the life God has made for me, or even to say I live for him. I have many, many goals to be done, and changes to be made in me.

There is still so much I have yet to experience to be able to give a testimony. Though, I don't regret speaking that Sonday morning, because I realized. I want to do it again, I want to speak about God, and be ready, practice, get better at it. To push me to learn so much more about him, who he is, what he wants, how he feels, and what he has said.

I hope I will have another chance, so I can feel I am getting closer to him, and become ready.

Wants. Needs.

I want to live for him.
I want to be able to say he's "My God"
I want to feel/know, his love, power, strength, and mercy.
I want to live that life.
I want to learn/know wisdom, truth, understanding, love, and all of his righteousness.
I want to be happy.
I want to know him.
I don't want to cry.
I don't want to feel hopeless, and helpless.
I don't want to feel dead, and wait to rot away.
I want Jesus.
I want the Lord.
I want God.
I want Him.

Feelin' Good

From yesterday night, looks like my life is looking up, and is going to be a lot lighter. I can’t explain how, but if everything works out and I do the things which need to be done. Everything will just fall into place.

It’s hard for me to just sit and write when I’m feeling that what I’ve been writing so far is portraying me to be someone I’m not. But sometimes all I can do about that is just ignore it and go along doing as I have been, and not give up.

Well I’ll go on to explain why I am feeling my life is taking a wonderful new turn. Simply put, I’ve got no doubt and found great faith. So I am doing superb~

That’s all I’m putting in for today, since I am not going to be on tonight and won’t be able to write some ongoing, boring, depressing, and pointless rant. Yuppie! I should stop sitting around giving my self so much time to pout. Just to ponder dumb things to make myself in a bad mood, only making me feel life is worse than it really is! Gorsh, sometimes I see myself as being the one person I dislike most. Now that is bad.

Well so long, and I will go off and enjoy this extremely hot and humid day!

That Forced Question

I utterly loathe being stuck in those situations where some kid is forcing their feelings upon you. What can I say? I mean really there is never a nice way to say no and deny having the same feelings for them.

What can I do? To make these guys stop seeing me as some girl that will just fall into their hands if they invite me to places, forcedly buy me things, and than lastly telling me they like me?
No, it does not work that way. I feel bad enough knowing that they like me, for the shallow and typical reasons any young boy chases after a girl.

I make sure to state, no dates and none of this "starting points" to have them believe they're getting cloder to their objective. But some just don't want to acknowledge whats in front of them and blindly believe they can have me against my will! Most set themselves up to be let down, and fall hard because of how hard they were trying NOT to see that I am not ready nor interested.

I mean really! I hate meeting most guys for this reason, because one way or another most aren’t looking for simple friendship, but always have to try and “get” the girl they meet that fits the “attractive” category.
Now those girls that don’t fit that "image", the stuck up, no good and self centered guys stick up their noses and don't even to look at them! It's completely wrong and despicable.

Now I won’t say all guys are like that, because they aren’t. Though most are indeed too focused on the relationship/physical junk, letting their desires and instincts take over their actions. But this goes both ways, for girls as well. Maybe even more so.

To me no one should ever be “looking”, it makes everything a lot easier if they aren't and you save yourself from a lot of mistakes. But in those times, when I am forced with the any of these questions; "Will you date me?", "Do you like me?" and “What are your feelings for me?”. I answer along these lines: “I'm sorry but I am not interested in a relationship or being involved with anyone." It's as if I'm taken, though I'm not seeing anyone.

Now their replies are one of these: One, not replying at all and ending everything because they only want a relationship or nothing, and two: Oh well that’s fine, let’s just act like this never happened (and than they either stop talking to you, or actually do what they said), and three: Oh why? I really like you, come on why don’t we just go out for a week and after that see how you feel about me.

Now I hate the last one the most, I wish they would just drop it and realize no matter what I will not “go out” with anyone, period. Yeah well I think that pretty much sets it for my thoughts on this subject. Yup, I feel so much better after putting this out there.

Free to Write

I write for the entertainment. I have always liked typing, pretending I have the talent to write a book, and articles. Something to pull in a group of readers with the same common interest, but I must say, I have not been told I have that "talent", of properly putting together papers, paragraphs or even sentences.


I've never understood, why or how perhaps. What exactly is "good" in writing? Does it depend on what the person as the reader is looking for, or what the writer deems “good”?
Is it the simple know-how to spell and sentence correctly? Well which ever it is, I have never been considered by another person, as being good at any of those.

I will admit being told that young, it left a light scar. I feel greatly self conscious writing or even being seen writing in front of others, I seriously get on the verge of tears when someone I'm not yet comfortable with reads something I did not intend for anyone to see.

But that doesn’t mean I cannot enjoy it, it's a free country (or so we think) so why can't I write the only way I know how? If I enjoy it, I'mma do it

When thinking about it, I didn’t really have much of a reason to have started a blog. Most do it because they have something to talk about, something that inspires them to the point of wanting to express that strong interest to others. To others that can relate.

Me? I do have something to talk about, but does this apply to anyone else? I can't say, I have yet to meet anyone like me with the same interests. Also figuring by my "views" on this blog, none others have found me to be something to relate to or irk their interest.

I have high hopes though, always have and always will. I will find those people, or they'll find me.

Eager for Something

Being restless is one of the few things I find quite difficult dealing with.

Is it because I haven't yet experienced my invisioned eventful and adventurous life? Most likely.
I’ve always felt I had to do something, something big, exciting, inspiring, challenging and revolutionary.

Out of all the things I’ve tried to fill this desire, none have yet to feed the hunger. I wish it were simple to solve, that an idea would pop in my head, and that would be it! My life would have it's purpose and never again will I come to ask myself "what am I doing?".

I am a hard worker, when I’m motivated towards whatever task I have at hand, something I know is bigger than me and will make a positive impact. You could say, “There are a lot of things that would fit that description”, ah yes that is true. But it wouldn’t be “it”, you see I’m not simply looking for ‘anything’ to do; I’m looking for ‘the thing’ to do, and that is a lot easier said than done.

I don’t like bothering with other things that are not “it”, because doing that is just going to make me go through certain situations, and do a lot of things that will end up taking me no where closer to my goal, places I’m trying to get to, and where my life is exposed to be headed. So I’m at a stand still, and I’ve been in it a lot longer than I would ever like to. And I don’t know how much longer I can take it, but when that time comes when I absolutely have to do something, the thing I’ve been looking for better come running and show its face.

Proud to be Stubborn.

I’m happily stubborn. When I don’t get the right amount or responsibility, and limits in my life given to me by my parents, I happily make my own.

Now since I am considered quite responsible by my parents as it is, that gives me a lot more freedom of choice. In a way of course that’s good, but than it is up to me of what I know I am ready for, and what I am not. And it can be tempting when knowing it’s only my own rule stopping me from doing anything I want.

This is where my stubbornness comes in, if I did not have that and my own strength to stay firm I’d be in a whole lot of “blissful”, “excitement”, and crazy situations.
Now I ask you to take note of this if you are the ages within the pre-teens to young adults. Simply because you can, does not mean you should, and that it’ll always turn out fine afterwards.

We all need to know the responsibility we all carry for our own lives, and well being and where our lives are heading to in life. So take thought before hand, and don’t always make your decisions off of what your wants are. But off of what is right, and what you absolutely need. And think highly of yourself and your life, never consider yourself worthless! Because no matter WHAT, that is never true. Be proud, be stubborn, and be strong. Amen!

All Those That Can Hear, Lend An Ear.

I'm confusing; I know, I can get my mind lost in mazes of deduction, conclusions and human made beliefs.
Why? I'm human, and that is my moment of stubornness.
When I'm convienced I can do it by myself, I don't need help and I get determinded to cause self sabatage in my life.

I know it's due to ignorance and reluctance to admit I don't have a clue as to what to do, in any situation. This is all to true for everyone, espeically adults. I know parents it's hard to admit that you did wrong, but to teach your children true strength is to fess up that you don't know everything and you make mistakes. Like everyone does, as long as you tell them you're trying your best and you only do what you do with the best intention, any child can come to understand and respect that.

I often think how to go about expressing my thoughts and beliefs to others to the best of my ability.
Seeing the conversation from their point of view seems to be the best way to look and come about it. I think; "what if someone said this to me?", "would I be able to understand where they were coming from?", and "is this the best possible way to word this conversation to keep their attention without anger/saddness/disappointment?" though this depends what exactly you're trying to make the other person feel, but beware we all shouldn't want or try to make anyone feel anything other than happiness, joy, etc.

We all want others to listen and want to listen to our hurt, thoughts and everything that makes us who we are. But you won't get that unless you know how to go about asking for that from soemone.

If you come to someone whinning and begging, no doubt you'll probably rope in some unwilling participants, but you'll only end up bringing yourself and others frustration. With the result ending in everyone trying to avoid you from then on out.

Now guilting someone into hearing you out is not only cruel but manipulating. If you become that person, you'll never have someone truely there for you and you will always feel alone.

Those of you that run and deny every ounce of emotion you have of the need to be loved and accepted, you're denying yourself happiness. You're causing yourself such pain and hatred that you begin to make yourself believe that no one can or will ever love you. Do not let yourself get to that point, you are loved and you are worth every bit of happiness.

I have gone through each one of these strategies all in order to be heard, accepted and loved. What I've learned so far is, you must love yourself in order for others to love you. I know this may bring frustration to you, it had me.

See how can you come to love yourself, if you have never experienced being loved by another to know how to love yourself? Here is your answer; Jesus. Understand and seek him, you will be so overwhelmed by his unending, unconditonal love. It's hard not to want to shout, cry and laugh all at the same time because of the outstanding and powerful feeling of relief and joy.

It's something so great that even beginning to grasp how much he has and always will love you, makes every painful memory, every burden and sorrow you've been barely getting yourself through, gets washed away. Explaining just how beautiful and amazing his love is, is a trick in itself, it is indeed difficult. But please, if you want joy, happiness and every burden on your shoulders lifted and taken away. Search and come to him with all your problems and sorrows.
Pray believing and humbly asking for what you truely cannot take on by yourself anymore, and he will save you, love you and care for you. And believe me he wants to, he's always right there waiting for you to put it in his hands, so you don't have to deal with the burden on your own.

He made you intending you to live being happy, properous and joyful. You're life is a blessing, put it in Gods hands and he'll make sure you live seeing and feeling that every second you spend walking along side him.

In life you should always be asking yourself questions, to really understand what your living for and why. Otherwise if you're going about life clueless as to why you do anything, that is the description itself of being the "living dead".
To start off, I will leave you with a question to ask yourself; are you happy?
If you answered no, you can do something about it right now. Pray to God and tell him, tell him you're not happy, you want more from life and you need him. To make everything right, to take away whats been bringing you down and he will surely answer.

What is Your Purpose

So far I've had a pretty slow sailing life, from what I recall in my younger days; there wasn't too much excitement. Yet not the typical life of a young adult in America.

But I've long thought; it's about time I do something. I need to make a change, goals, accomplishments and experiences. Though I have yet to find out what it is I want to do and accomplish.

I've always wanted to make a great impacted on this world and it's goings, dont we all? Many go to the internet to reach that goal, it has become quite a revolutionary impact on how we all live today.
For example, YouTube, Blogging, and Tweeting. There are so many more sites I still have yet to come across, there are just too many to mention and count.

Coming back to the point, is what do I do? Where do I start? I don't want to continue contemplating how I wanna do this and accomplish that, but never take that first step to start. This is where thought needs to become action, but what is it that will be mine. My own idea and creation to claim and say this is my calling, my purpose.

I do not simply want to jump onto whatever wagon comes along because everyone else is doing it, I want to construct, build, create and drive my own wagon! That eveyone that sees it will think "there's Hannah, no mistaking that, there's isn't anything else like her".

I know it may sound a little childish, but isn't that life? To want and strive to create something of your own, like no other? That when all is said and done, you can look at all you've created, every path you've chose and decision you've made and be proud. Knowing that you made a difference and made great use of your life.

God always has something bigger in store for you. You're life will never be wasted in his hands, and letting God take control will never be something you'll regret. No doubt He will always be the answer, if you're searching for that something in life to make it worth living. To find your purpose and calling, the Lord has got something in store for you and you will not be disappointed.

Revamped Rant

So I'm different, at least according to what the "norm" is in this day and age.
I try to the best of my ability to not be bogged down to the simplicities of this world. That seems to catch much too many in its web.

Our minds really have no limit, so why should or would we continue to think about the little things in which we have already thought to death? Renew your mind with every day and your day will be new. We do not have to live everyday just like the other, what makes our days just like the one before it; is because we don't let go and move forward from the thoughts we've been continously getting our minds trapped into.

It is never a bad thing to think, but there are bad things to think about and there is such thing as thinking too much. With too much thought, you take no action.

Let's not lose individuality. Think for yourself, ask questions and wonder why things are.

Lets upen our eyes, stop living within our minds and start living. The life that's right in front of us, the one we've been neglecting from what you can truly make it. With action, goals and accomplishments.

One thing you always realize when you're striving and doing more to get yourself further in life. Is you are capable of more, becoming, making and having so much more to yourself. We are capable of so much more than we've even come to realize yet.
We simply have to work for it to get there, to see that improvement. And it is worth it, believe me it is.

Be yourself, break away from the world and all the alikeness to everyone else. Think for yourself, be you, the you that no one else in the world could ever be. Become that person, become yourself.

You may or may not understand what I am speaking of, but if you do want to understand. Than you will, that's what will be the beginning to get you to make that first step, in searching for the truth. Something that's more and bigger than yourself and everything our typical daily lives consist of.
If you want it, you will find it and you'll never regret starting the search.