Break Away

Nothing. Everything to me for so long, has felt like nothing.

I want to walk with my head held high, confident in who I am. I've never felt confortable in my own skin, and I want to so bad. I can only be myself when I am comfortable, and confident in just being alive.

It's utterly pathetic that I act like a shy timid worm. I am not a worm, I'm me and that's million times more then just that. But no matter how outgoing I try to be, I always beat myself up afterwards for something stupid I may have said, or a look I may have gotten. And I never end up trying to hard to be myself again, I get scared so easily and giveup even easier.

If only I could show people my true self, my strength, my courage, and my charm.
Sounds a bit selfcentered, but everyone has so much more to themselves than they show. And I just wish that someday all of us can accept all that we are and see how amazing certain parts and sides of us are, and admit that each of us all as individual are gosh darn awesome!
To the point, where no look or judgment from anyone can make us back down and hide, but to continue to be ourselves for the rest of our lives.

Some may not have this problem, but I know I do. And I don't want it to be for any longer. Amen.

Jesus

I feel sick. Mentally sick. Completely and utterly disgusting.

I wish I was honest with myself, than I would know what to do, what the problem is.
I can't help myself if I don't know what the problem is to begin with.

I feel lost, stupid, and useless. I hate saying these things, because I know they're not true, but is it wrong to feel weak. To not be able to stand on your own, and admit that.
I always felt and feel that I shouldn't show these type of things to others, I want to be comforted, I really do. I just want to fall down and cry my eyes out, I want to scream all this unexplainitory feelings and helplessness away.
But I'm scared, I'm just scared, I don't want to feel I need to explain all my hurt and confusion to someone for them to just hold me and show that they truely and honestly care and love me...

I want something that I myself won't let me have. I want to cry. I want to be accepted. I want to be loved. I want to feel it's ok to be this selfish, that I can ask for ever how much I want, and that someone will understand where I am coming from, and hold me all the more, I want to actually be able to see and feel their love. I want something perfect, without me myself being perfect. I want to be a kid, and not care for all these things for myself and just have someone be there and do them for me. I don't want to live on my own, I want to live with someone with me with ever single step I take, situation I encounter, and every thought I have.
I don't want the responsibitily of choosing what is the right thing I should do, say, and act like.

I just want to be held, and carried through this terrible and stressfilled dream called life. I can't take it, no matter how long I am able to fool myself and make believe I am strong enough to live with just me, myself, and I. I am only one person, one voice, and one mind. I can't possibly do anything right just by my own understanding.
Not anyone is good enough, I need perfection, I need life itself. I need love, kindness, mercy, righteuosness, and wisdom to the fullest and utmost exstent and more.

Oh Jesus... I need you so much. Please love me, save me, and give me life. Make me something. I am so sorry...
Please, hold me.