Butterflies of Romance

I've had short hair for a few reasons, and today in this blog I will explain those reasons.
One is because I don't want to be seen as a "potential candidate" for the opposite sex. It's unbelievable how lust driven men are these days, and all the young women that come close to the image of "attractive" they are burdened with the men that have no self respect.

At least for me that isn't something I find desirable. Most women feel flattered by having any man show interest, and I do admit it isn't bad every now and again. BUT it isn't always so simple, especially when it comes to the less intelligent males in this day and age. They just don't know when to back off, and understand that I am not interested in todays twisted goings in "relationships".
I do not want to "hook-up", "fool around" or anything of the sort! And nowadays that's all relationships consist of!

So as of now, I'd perfer to look like a boy til I'm within the age zone to get to know men with actual mature and respectable intentions.
I do not want to get into a relationship if it only has emotions, nerves and attraction on it's side. Is it so wrong to ask for more, though I do not know exactly more of what it is I'm looking for?

But there are still many problems, that no matter what rules I hold to myself; people never get their heads out of the idea that someone always has to like another, or are always looking for someone to like. Which brings me to the problem of being accused of "flirting".
Even if you act happy, laugh and be who you are around the opposite gender that can be perceived as "flirting". Oh and nothing gets me more upset than being accused of "flirting".
But back to the point. Even having one person interested in you is quite a predicament on its own. And I've had my fair share of dealings, when one person was/is after what to them seemed to be but an easy task of just one-two-three. Like/be attracted/interested in someone, get closer to that someone (for however an amount of time) and "go-out" with that someone. Though it may vary in detail, and I do not mean to say most all are "shallow" in there way about "relationships" neither does everyone do it by this method.

But I go about things in a way not many, well none others that I have seen do things in the "relationship" world.

Bluntly, I am not interested nor ready for what relationship I am looking for and want. And oh man I do have high standerds. That's just me, one person in the whole world, filled of billions of others. What does it matter to anyone what I am interested in, choose to believe or how I go about things?


Getting back on track once again here. Though I have high standerds (that will not be lowered or pushed aside) I am fine with it if I never end up finding what I have my faith and hopes set on. I'm living now, which I can and will continue living with or without a significant other involved in my life.

Yes. I will get lonely, I will have those times where I will be in the "mood" to fall and be in love and I will want, desire and wonder. But that can go for anything, not just the butterflies of romance.

Baka

I'm in one of those 'must type now!' states.
I feel like I'm doing somthing of importence, or just making use of my time while typing, reporting, or simply get out some thoughts I know are there waiting to get let out.

The energy/process it takes to think of something to type about. Such as; opinions, beliefs, and all of the above.

Reaching out trying to find something for yourself to feel you've found something that you're supposed to be doing, like a meaning of your life.
A purpose.

Days like these are never easy for me. The restlessness gets even more unbareable.
My impatience gets even harder to handle, and my frusteration begins to boil. I can't stay still and do nothing without feeling I'll blow, and begin scream out of so much frustration.

There's no where to go, nothing I can think of that will satisfy me, and keep me entertained.

All this is simply foolish, you'd think if I were really this bored anything and everything I could find would be accpetable to try. But that isn't it!
It's more like I am so unbareably bored that nothing is enough. I need more, I need something huge to take away this... thought of empty and pointlessness of my life, to be completely rid of.

I need something that'll use all I am capable of. Something that requires movement/effort/stamina, social and conversational skills and real thought. Something that'll build my experience in what I'll need in my life, not for pointless fun and entertainment that'll end up to nothing when it's all done and over.

I do not want to live a fool's life. Only enjoying the things that have no after meaning, and build up to no future nor useful experience for yourself. That is only filled with desire to want material things that only give pointless and hollow emotions/feelings.

I want more than what the world has to offer. No foolish and idiotic "boytoy" or any type of relationship will suffice.

Does no one want more than what you can find in this world?? Is everyone fine and comfortable with electronics, fashion, emotions, items of the world that you find no desire to build and find more for your life??! This is what I believe and I'm sorry and I do not mean it in a hate kind of way, but if you are happy and satified with these things that everyone says is "awesome" and "popular", all the things that you find such a desire in to make a habbit that begins to be something you depend on to feel happy, to feel your life is worth living...

You are a fool.

All the Whys

Wish I could say something, do something. Something with meaning, purpose, wisdom and courage. That encourages and strengthens someone to do something, to take action. To take a step, make a change. A revolution in their life, in my own.

Am I really just a little girl full of talk, yet nothing else outstanding. That this time I have will simply go on, unstopping. Whether the time that is spent is meaningful or pointless?

How am I supposed to make the most of everything I have and am. When time is limited, and so much is still unknown to me?

I don't know what it is I will be most prosperous in. What I am capable of.
Doesn't that take a lifetime of experiences to really come to grasp what exactly that is; for every individual life?

I want to know. I want more, from myself, from others. From life itself.
All that I have come to know so far isn't enough, I'm not satified. This is not all there is for me.

What is it I am missing? Why do I need so much more? Why is this emptiness so hard to fill, and why must it be that much harder to understand?