Thoughts Forever Continue

What can I say?

Is there even a reason to voice my thoughts?
Anyone there to listen? What purpose would there be if someone were to hear?
Anything to figure out and understand? Why? To do "good" or "bad"?

What's the point of this? Words, feelings, thoughts and opinions.
All they are is something one believes. There is actually no truth. No right or wrong.

You are told something is wrong by someone elses belief, off of which they received from someone elses reasoning. Automatically making what they say is wrong or right; is. Of course depending on their status and how well they can persade you with confident words to back up their objection and opinion.

So really, the rules we follow; are all made up. And we simply follow along for the reason of being accepted and approved by others. What we see as bad or good is simply based off what we told is. And of course we would think the same of those we want to be liked by.

My Answer

You ask me why, and what it is I love of you. I answer I love you, youself who you are, and what you are. Your very exsitents.

If that is not enough, I will go deeper into the exact description of what you are to show you why I love you.
You are your own person, with your own thoughts and beliefs. I adore your sweetness, soft and sensitive heart. Your mind to worry and fret over that in which no one else takes any notice of.

Your very will to not become like those that have done you wrong, and showed you that you can be better, and acheive more.
You opened my eyes to the fact that love can be so much more than all the other emotions. That your life can strive and grow in love as your base and core of your thoughts, actions and beliefs.

I love even more that you're mine, and I am yours. I feel safe knowing you'll always care, and be there when I need you. You'll do all you can to make me happy, keep me and make it so we're both smiling.

I want you to see that you are importent, you are loved and you are one of a kind. Someone I don't want to lose, and want to make happy and be happy with for as long as we want the best for each other. I pray and am determinded to see that we go on happy and together for as long as I'm breathing.

Happenings

We've become so spineless, using all the networks of the internet to exspress what we feel, our true emotions. What hurts us, what we think of others and who we are in and out.
Instead of saying these things to the people nearest to us, unabling us to get that true connection with others.

Why have we become so afraid to speak the truth with a straight face? Do we fear hurting others? Getting rejected? That doesn't make sense to me, if someone were to honestly open up to me no matter what the subject. What they thought of me, things they fear, and what situation brings up which emotion. I would listen and understand, because I am human too.

I'd want someone to listen to me, without judgement. Intending to be there for me, help me sort out my feelings. As well as someone to hear my opinions and every random thought that comes to mind.

I desire to find someone to become close with, feel confindent in saying I know them. Is that not the same for everyone else? You can't say you know someone from a few encounters, or a typical conversation of daily matters. To this day, I cannot say I truely know anyone. Nor have anyone that knows me.

I have yet to break the barrier, the fear of the unknown. It has become foreign for us to speak of ourselve, our inner thoughts. It's looked upon as being vulnerable.
I don't know how this view begun, but now, it is truely something a strong and confident person is capable of.
Some day, I hope to succeed in becoming someone that no matter how uncomfortable it might be, to seriously say everything I want and think. No more hidding my heart, hurt, displeasure and voice. I will become someone I can be proud of, and someone that others truely know.

Inner Child

Living day to day has gotten exhausting. Though my recent unhealthy sleeping habit could prove to be the problem.

Again, I'm at a wall. Like always, taking my dear time making even one small movement to getting somewhere.

I've been hating. Holding hatred and resentment for everyones actions surrounding me.
The pointlessness of all these interactions of people in my life, that do nothing but complicate things.

I over burden myself of how others will feel, and react to each and every word, action and way I express myself.

I want everyone to be happy, or at least never have it be my fault for doing or causing one to harbor negitive feelings.

But you know what, sometimes I feel like yelling, sreaming and cussing out everyone and anyone that hurts me and causes me frustration. So for once, I can feel relieved, and not always being the one looking out for everyone keeping so much of myself under so many layers.
Can't someone else take care of me, and let me freak out and just let go of my pain? Allow me to cry, get upset and act like a child. A child I haven't been for so long.

Someone that I can trust won't start beating me down inside and out because they don't want to hear it, don't know how to handle it and don't even bother to try.

I'm so tired of being the strong one. The one in silence just there to listen. I'm breaking, over so much time I have been kept queit. Pushed into the corner silently waiting for someone to ask, are you okay? Honestly and whole heartedly accepting all and any respone that could come from me.

I just want someone to listen, and want to listen. Purely trying to help and care for me. Why, why does if feel I don't have anyone for me that is capable or willing to doing this for me?

Sometimes it helps to feel sorry for yourself, heh. Enough so, that your tears and pain will start to spill. And there is nothing more uplifting than after pouring out your emotions that have been conceild for a period of time.

I can do this. Even one my own, I'm alive and well. And emotions can go ahead and shove it.

Reassurance

How am I supposed to say this. Explain my confusion and doubts.

I'm not going to put my everything into something if I am not %110 sure it's beneficiol from all angles and sides.

I don't have the experience to make this decision rashly, or in anyway have the additude of "just do it" and see what'll come from it.

I am not one to make mistakes freely and on a whim.
I do not play the games of feelings and desires.

Playing by a game board, that is done and made by those who want a one way path, for something to do when they're bored. Travels and experience only varrying to each individual by how many spaces one goes each round. Only for the game to end with them no farther than where they first began in their actual life.

I do not want to go by a flimbsy, wavering board of paper.
I need real, truthful and serious ways about a motion such as putting my everything, emotion and time wise into one person.

This isn't even something I feel a need for, so I have no motivation to put myself into a moment or situation of feelings for desires, bliss and unsenseable words and promises to another person of attraction.

I have goals, beliefs and opinions of how I will live and go about my life. And I haven't spared room for dragging someone along with me for the ride and whatever extra things I may get from it.

I find it unnecessary, or at least not an absolute necessity for my life to go about it's travels.

I have lived my life day by day perfectly alive and well without one to throw myself into arms of cuddles, selfsatifying words of encouragament and pointless actions of affection.

I had no need, and have no need for something I can, and may forever live without.

I do not say this despite you, or that I have no interest at all. Infact I am and do have an interest, that is why I am showing concern. Are you serious, will you promise me your all, to never just drop me like a day old emotion that only lingers for but a moment?

For my first time considering to even think about putting my all into one person.
You should be putting just as much thought into this as I am.
I guess that should be the answer. If I am sweating about all this on my own, without you braking a sweat of extra thought. You're simply not willing, or ready to put the time into what it takes for me to feel confident and comfortable in the idea of all that I am resting in your hands.

This is hard, and I actually had hope. But I will not be investing all my hopes, future and desires upon you. I will hold out for who knows, when you're actually able to take the time, effort and thought it takes to keep and please me (lol). But I do not see that happening, if one is not right for me now when we have first met, they will not be right for me later on. That is simply what I believe.

But this goes both ways, if you are not good for me, I am not good for you. It is in both of our interest to not get started before anything has even begun.

Begotten Memories

Do they ever leave you?

The feelings, thoughts of the ones who once hurt you? Who's done you wrong, abandon and cast your presence away as meaningless enough to never speak a word to you again with no notice of reason?

And to say things so hurtful about you to "friends" you thought were close; that'd stand up for you, never leave your side over anothers statement. Or at least come to you with the lies to comfirm true or false. No matter their connection to the one at the beginning of the telephone.

Why and how. That's all I've wanted to know. I've tried, sent the whys and how comes. But in return I got worse then nothing. Is it too late? Will I forget? Can I go on, unfazed with time? So far it has proven that I am still tender to the thoughts of those times, I get a mix of pain, hurt and regret.

You were my friends. My best friends. We laughed, hung out and had jokes.
Does this mean those times meant more to me then to you? Why?
Because I only had you guys? And you had others, so my friendship wasn't a real loss compaired to what you'd benefit from others? If so, I can move on. I wouldn't need a friendship with you who solely based importence of relationships upon benefits from others.
But I don't know if that's the actual reason!

Assuming that just isn't enough. It may make it easier to move on. But that isn't what I want. I want to be able to look back at all my encounters with people and know the beginning, middle and end. But I have yet to understand my ending with the joy I experienced within those younger more naive and ignorent days with you.

Am I pittiful? Does this mean I have to much time on my hands; to keep reminiscing about past days?

I was such a shy, weak and naive girl. And remembering the things I had with you, my "friends", and having my emotions still be so effected. Has me realize I still am; that spineless girl.

Butterflies of Romance

I've had short hair for a few reasons, and today in this blog I will explain those reasons.
One is because I don't want to be seen as a "potential candidate" for the opposite sex. It's unbelievable how lust driven men are these days, and all the young women that come close to the image of "attractive" they are burdened with the men that have no self respect.

At least for me that isn't something I find desirable. Most women feel flattered by having any man show interest, and I do admit it isn't bad every now and again. BUT it isn't always so simple, especially when it comes to the less intelligent males in this day and age. They just don't know when to back off, and understand that I am not interested in todays twisted goings in "relationships".
I do not want to "hook-up", "fool around" or anything of the sort! And nowadays that's all relationships consist of!

So as of now, I'd perfer to look like a boy til I'm within the age zone to get to know men with actual mature and respectable intentions.
I do not want to get into a relationship if it only has emotions, nerves and attraction on it's side. Is it so wrong to ask for more, though I do not know exactly more of what it is I'm looking for?

But there are still many problems, that no matter what rules I hold to myself; people never get their heads out of the idea that someone always has to like another, or are always looking for someone to like. Which brings me to the problem of being accused of "flirting".
Even if you act happy, laugh and be who you are around the opposite gender that can be perceived as "flirting". Oh and nothing gets me more upset than being accused of "flirting".
But back to the point. Even having one person interested in you is quite a predicament on its own. And I've had my fair share of dealings, when one person was/is after what to them seemed to be but an easy task of just one-two-three. Like/be attracted/interested in someone, get closer to that someone (for however an amount of time) and "go-out" with that someone. Though it may vary in detail, and I do not mean to say most all are "shallow" in there way about "relationships" neither does everyone do it by this method.

But I go about things in a way not many, well none others that I have seen do things in the "relationship" world.

Bluntly, I am not interested nor ready for what relationship I am looking for and want. And oh man I do have high standerds. That's just me, one person in the whole world, filled of billions of others. What does it matter to anyone what I am interested in, choose to believe or how I go about things?


Getting back on track once again here. Though I have high standerds (that will not be lowered or pushed aside) I am fine with it if I never end up finding what I have my faith and hopes set on. I'm living now, which I can and will continue living with or without a significant other involved in my life.

Yes. I will get lonely, I will have those times where I will be in the "mood" to fall and be in love and I will want, desire and wonder. But that can go for anything, not just the butterflies of romance.