Do You Live in the Truth? Or the Lie?

Nights are usually when I have all the time in the world to think endlessly for as long as I can stay up. Which is why this night I am feeling the need to write, write as much as I can to at least try and organize my thoughts, and feelings.

Though they don't normally end up making a lot sense, since they are my deep thoughts and feelings that have been so deeply covered, that when brought to the surface it's tough to distinguish what exactly I'm facing being the first time seeing them in the light.

Words are hard to come by to explain, these emotions and thoughts are foreign and nothing I've come across so far.
Soon they'll be acknowledged by myself, and known as a part of me. BUT if they are deemed unworthy and not who I want to make apart of me. They are cast out with time, effort and taken away by God. He takes away the dark, negitive, unclean and sinful thoughts and emotions that I can no longer push down and coupe with.

I want peace, love, forgiveness, understanding, wisdom, grace, mercy, a long life, happiness, joy, confidence, etc. Anything of the opposite, I want nothing of it.
Oh I know it's there, I know it's going to try it's hardest to become me. To make me believe it's apart of me and there's no getting ride of it.

But I will not let the lies of the enemy break me. Satan's darkness has no power in my life, for I am the Lord's. God has made me to do great things, to have a life of joy, happiness, a long and prosprous life. I have accepted the truth and not the lie.

My Next Turn

I believe now is the time that my life takes on a new form,
something I have yet to understand or imagine is making it's way into my life script.

I cannot say I'm prepared metally and emotionaly yet, but I do know I'm not alone and I will make it through stronger, wiser and more prosperous.

What I need now is prayer, support and acceptance. This could very well impact not only my life, but all of those connected to me. With every ounce of life I have, I will pray to make this change a blessing to us and open our eyes to something more than ourselves.

Help us to become more united and understanding of one another.
No more rejection, uncertainty and judgment. I will know and find those who truly love and are there for me. I will not fear or be broken, for the Lord is my guidence, strength, protector, comforter and provider for all my needs.

I may be young, but I know more of what I am capable of than you. So trust me when I say I can do this and everything will work out. Because I will not allow any to bash my sprirt, if you feel that is your duty and responsibility to bring me down. I will cast you out of my life, I do not need any such darkness looming over my future and decisions. Negitive and damning words are not allowed here.

If you wish to be of true help, be glad, accepting, loving and of good faith. Because it is in the Lord's hands, and the best you can do is to accept that and live on believing and speaking only words of good things to come.

I hope you all accept not only me but the Lord, because without him you can do no good in my life. I will hold to the Lord with everything I am, be diligent forever seeking after his word, guidence and heart.

Go ahead and deny me if this change in my life is too much for you to bare and you want no part in it. Because even without you I am not alone.

Way of Life

There are those who run towards death, living day to day.
Those that follow the motto's of "YOLO" and live as if there is no tomorrow, using their body to it's breaking point, setting themselves up so they cannot live a long or healthy life.
Going along with whatever rash, reckless or irresponsible idea they themselves or others can muster up to keep the "party" going until they feel they've dug themselves deep enough to feel they've accomplished everything they could in one day.

Yet they never face their true turmoil's and unresolved situations and relationships in their lives. Like one would actually do if they would die tomorrow. So in short, they are running towards death, avoiding facing the things that would actually make themselves and their lives meaningful. "YOLO" has because an excuse to those that don't want to face life and move forward.

Then there are those that aspire to live to the best of their abilities.
Setting themselves up for success, every dream they've ever dreamt or idea they felt would serve enough purpose to see through, they accomplish it.
They are patient. If their goal means enough to them they will see it threw whether it takes 3 to 10 years to see it become what they've always hoped.
They make and work for what they have, and are not afraid to give it their all. Because they want to make their life count.

Last but not least there are those of us that live simply because they are alive.
In my opinion is the very example of the living dead. The worst out of the two, these people have no will or desire.
Do not become their own person, or try to achieve and reach for great things. They don't have any significant opinions, thoughts or beliefs to live their life as any individual would.
It's like they've lost or have never known the beauty of life. There is no flame in their eyes, only that of a routine of daily rituals of no great importance or meaning, and they dont bother to think why they do what they do.

I cannot think of another life style, they all seem to fall under one of the three, or perhaps a type of combination.
But now I believe it is the time to ask yourself this;
which life have you chosen?

The End.

Though life will continue after today, tomorrow and the next. If it were all to end, these are my last statements I'd like to leave everyone with;
I love you, and I am sorry. I could have done so much more. My main regret is not loving enough and focusing on myself more than others. I didn't live up to what I knew and know I am capable of, and didn't encourage you/everyone half as much as I should have. To help you realize, that you are utterly amazing and I have always wanted to express that to the point you'd actually understand. You will never be worthless or unneeded. Because you are unlike any other, you are your own. That in itself is everything, anything and incredible. My heart will always go out for you, whether I know your life story or not, you are like me. Human, imperfect and just trying to be accepted, find a place you feel you belong and loved. So live, and live strong. For you are the one and only you, but you are and will never be alone

We Were Created

Do our hearts really go out to others as much as they should?
How often do we have a thought purely for the best interest of others?

Would you hold out a hand for one that is struggling in life, emotions, physical health or mental stability?
To what extent is too much for you to go out of your way for another life?

I can't say I've always been thoughtful and gone out of my way for others. But I can say it happens more often than not.
Holding doors open, treating others,  compliments, going out of your way to let someone know they are noticed and taking that extra time that you could've been sleeping to listen to someone's troubles, worries or thoughts.

If anything I've been observing the fact that part of why the generations have been falling like they have, is because of the individuals idea that it is everyone for themselves. There is no out reached hands of guidance from prior generations, I feel as though they keep to themselves without descripted explanation as to why not and to do something.

If we all really cared, for anything other than our selves. Our entire way of life would of progressed much more effectively.

We need to care about others, and that will have such an unimaginable positive effect, that at this time it's hard to even imagine.

Dedicaton

I no longer want to live like others, just to feel my ways are justified and acceptable to the eyes of others.
I want to choose a path that'd come to surprise myself.

Let me help you understand what I have in mind.
For three years I want to purify my life and body. No alcohol, no cigarettes, no drugs of any kind, "natural" or not. Eat and drink to the best of my ability, as well as train my body to become strong and flexible. And most of all no sexual actions or contact with anyone or anything. I want to dedicate myself to the Lord, live a life of righteousness. Basically going into a form of nunnery.

I want to see something different in this world, and I can't simply sit back and wait for someone else to do it. If no one else, why not myself to take such a step in an unpredictable direction?

I want to see this threw, so on New Years day that's when it will commence. To make sure I stick to this path, I will get a tattoo of a black inch thick line around my arm to show the beginning of the first year, with every successful year that passes; a new line will come with it. With the last tattoo on the opposite arm as the other two.

If you are questioning why three years, why the tattoos or why to everything about this idea in general. I will answer with this; God, faith, prayer, the love and words of the Bible has been the only significant thing in my life. The only thing I know I will want to keep forever and base my life off of.
Three years because I feel that is the perfect amount of time to not be overwhelmed, but go threw enough challenge to feel it is an honorable enough sacrifice. Though I don't feel it is a real sacrifice, it is me finally allowing and listening to the Lord's direction for my life. Giving in to the self discipline I have been needing.

The most questionable decision would be the tattoo, and I understand that. Due to the conflicting belief whether tattoos are against biblical law or not. The verse that that brings up this issue is Leviticus 19:28 "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the Lord."
There is no way I can counter that, it is what it is. I couldn't justify myself if I were in front of the Lord, I'd be guilty. There is no misunderstanding those words, plain as day "no marks upon you".
But it is because it is permanent, that I want it to signify how critical I do not want to back out of this.

Enough of being unsatisfied and unhappy with myself. I want to be proud, confident and humbly amazed by who the Lord made me. Nothing great comes without effort, and my effort in life is long over due.

Self Loathing

I am not one with a full understanding of how to express oneself through words.

My sentences are bland and paragraphs are emotionless.

If I were to try and tell you, I miss, love and care for you. I would sound like nothing other than a robot reciting an odd 70’s poem.

Perhaps it is my heart, not only through words but in person. My heart is fearful and hides behind every expression and gesture I can muster up to make it so my true colors aren’t seen.

It is foolish, hiding who I am. This only proves I have guilt or distrust for all my equals of the human race.

I am accepting that we are all human, and for whatever actions and thoughts are behind each individuals way of life. I have no doubt I can come to understand and accept them.

Such a hypocritical thought, acceptance towards all others, yet believing I am unacceptable.

It seems to me I am full of ridiculous contradictions. I long to be understood, yet my actions to becoming understood are nonexistent. This is due to my belief that I am unworthy of self expression towards others.

Am I foolish or simply self loathing? Maybe a bit of both.